I don’t know when I stopped seeing the beauty in other people. or when I lost myself.
[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]
(Source: soundsforthesoul, via carsgobeepbeep)
for you and you and you
things feel different again and I’m still trying to find the words. normally winter is all nostalgia and blankets that never seem to cover my feet but spring is reminding me of new beginnings and past endings, of feelings that swell and swell until you can’t talk them down any longer.
I remember sitting on your bed the morning you left wondering if I would ever see you again. I remember trying to tell you about the way that things can fall apart. the way that all of your hopes and ambitions disguise themselves as naivety and you only begin to realize it two years later when you brush off a dream with an “I was so young”. all I ever gave you was a drunk letter in messy handwriting an hour before your departing flight and months later, I was breaking down in your memory to all the things that I once thought I would become.
I’m still not sure how to say “this isn’t where I wanted to be when I was twenty” without sounding weak. but here I am, replaying the same memories I didn’t know I remembered, the moments that changed me, but not until years later.
I remember looking at your first fashion designs with my eyes but not my fingertips because you were cautious with things that meant something to you. I remember stumbling into bed alone and desperate, and falling asleep to your voicemail and dreams about car crashes (and something about the way you always cleared your throat). there were so many ways I manipulated myself into thinking that you never really cared. I remember feeling as if I would never be okay without you and your curly hair, until a year later your name became a reminder of all the different ways I could be let down.
and still, this still isn’t about the people i’ve left behind. it’s not about being left, or about old love or friendships that have come and gone. it’s the idea that I once believed in permanence, in surrounding myself with people and ideas and dreams that meant something to me. and while this, all of this, doesn’t mean that I’m in the wrong place. it’s just that somewhere on the way here, I stopped believing.
(i still don’t know what i’m trying to say).
[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]
[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]
but I don’t want nothing at all
if it ain’t you baby.
one year later;
i have a mugshot, someone that loves me, so many wonderful friends, and stories about a girl i used to know. one year later and so much has changed, i forget your name too.
